“We aren’t taught how to be angry; we’re taught to ‘behave yourself,’ which teaches us to misjudge and condemn the feeling we’re experiencing.” Bud Harris

It wasn’t her best moment. My friend was rushing to get her family out the door. Everything that morning had worked against her. She had to get to the college on time to teach her class. Her adolescent-aged daughters were giving her a hard time. We’ve been there.

But we probably haven’t done what she did. A daughter said something that was disrespectful. Without thinking, my friend grabbed a nearby loaf of bread, swung it, and whacked her daughter on top of her head.

It would have been a horrible moment by all counts, except that the bag broke and slices of bread spilled all over the floor. Her daughters burst out laughing as their mom profusely apologized and sheepishly picked up each piece off the floor.

Anger gets a bad wrap, and often, justifiably. Anger mismanagement is devastating. I’ve been struck when another was angry, and it wasn’t with a loaf of bread. Worse, I’ve had people let their anger at me fester, until the choices they made in that anger was irreversibly damaging to our relationship.

I haven’t always responded perfectly with my own anger. And I’ve had seasons where I swung too far in the opposite direction, burying my anger and projecting a calm that wasn’t really there.

I realized that I needed to make friends with anger. 

So do you. I had three conversations with leaders this week in which their anger had become an issue.

Anger Is The Friend You Engage With But Don’t Live With

As a CIO, you experience anger. Probably every day.

How do you express anger so that it is productive and not detrimental?

Expressing anger comes down to the reasons behind it and the results you want from it. Be angry at:

Injustice so that people get back in touch with reality. 

We live with so many situations that we could care about, that we stop caring. It’s a current human condition. We know so much that’s happening in the world, we resign ourselves to doing nothing about it. 

But CIOs know that when injustice hits the workplace - discrimination, unfairness, unethical behaviors - people need to get back in touch with what they can do. Anger brings focus.

Violation of values so that values are integral and not just aspirational. 

Effective values are behaviors the team lives by. They set you apart from other teams and from similar teams in other companies.

You audit values each year; but when you see repeated violations of a value, you need to call it out. Anger reinforces seriousness.

Defending another so that people remain the first priority. I don’t tolerate bullies. I never have, never will. You don’t either. Bullying in the workplace is both evident and easily disguised. Once in the open, though, you must confront it or its roots will sink deep quickly and spread fast. Anger stands up to stand out.

Turn The Fire To Fuel

Anger is detrimental as a reaction rather than as a response, when it’s manipulative rather than purposeful, when it’s disproportionate rather than what’s just needed, and when it’s directed at a person rather than the problem. 

Leveraging anger is a skill. Train yourself to do the following:

• Choose the anger. Don’t let it master you.
• Label it. I’m angry because … (this isn’t who we are; we have addressed this without effect; we could have avoided this if we did what we said we would, etc).
• Keep it private to the offender, or public if it’s truly a team issue.
• Explain why you are angry with yourself; own your part as needed.
• Use it as a bridge to problem-solving rather than leave it as an unresolved issue. 
• Affirm the relationship. 

Anger masters many. And that’s not good. How many more stories do we need to read of out-of-control anger on airplanes? 

Mastering anger is a critical leadership trait. We master it not by judging ourselves or condemning our feelings, but by using it as valuable communication.

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