Tuesday night was the first debate for the 2020 Presidential election.
It was a mess.
Few had kind words to say about it; the election commission is changing rules because of it. There were 93 interruptions in a 98 minute debate, if you can call it that. I’m not making a political statement here; I’m making a leadership statement. I’m making a CIO mandate.
The moment we lose how to work with people, we lose. The minute we cannot hold a relationship healthy in tension, we let our grip slip.
At one point in last night’s debate, a candidate said, “Will you shut up, man?” It is now a national meme. It is also a common office tension.
We don’t always get along. We don’t need absence of conflict to enjoy progress. Iron sharpens iron. We do need to know how to work in tension, and we do need to know how to keep relationships healthy and workable.
How are your office relationships? Do you want to improve them? Do you want to make them better practically overnight?
What if I tell you that typical approaches to conflict resolution don’t work? What if you knew that “communication” is overrated? Hey, it’s essential; but not everything is a communication problem.
In my recent CIO Mastermind group, a CIO and a CISO brought two different problems to the table, and a common thread to each was personnel issues.
I have learned three dynamics to improve any relationship, office or not, and to do so in quick order. These will help you in the workplace. They will help you at home. They will help you in any social network of which you are a regular part. In the end, C-Suite executives, baristas, siblings and teammates all have one thing in common: We are human. Humans have basic needs, and if those needs are unmet, they will manifest in unhealthy interaction. We usually go after the symptoms. We have to go after the source.
- Affirmation.
Those you work with have different strengths, talents, personalities, and approaches. What are they? Can you name them?
“Naming” is an act of power. If I see in you an ability to be resilient, naming it gives me leverage: I understand something others overlook, and I have knowledge I share in common with you. You are resilient. What am I going to do about it? I’m going to name it in you. When I do, I reinforce something you know, but I also connect with you. I have also taken power. I can use this knowledge, and what I choose to do with it is to affirm you. But here is the difference. I don’t just compliment you, which really is nothing more than addressing what you already know. Affirmation names the trait, and then tells the person the difference it has made.
It sounds like this, “I have noticed a great resilience in you. There have been times I have wanted to give up, but your example of resilience helped me to bounce back and push on.”
Compare that with, “You are resilient.” Not quite as powerful, is it?
The former tells the person the difference they are making, and that is affirmation: trait and testimony, encouragement and effect.
Consider how that helps in a relationship experiencing tension. Imagine this: “I know that we have been having conflict over the direction we need to go. I know our team is split, and some agree with you and others with me. We will work this out. What matters to me is that you know I recognize your intelligence. It’s because of your intelligence that in this past year, I have never settled for an easy answer. I learned from you how to slow down and look at angles.”
Or, how about with your son: “I have watched you take a stand for what you want. I like your independence. I want you to know that I think of you at work when I am tempted to compromise just to be done with a problem. You wouldn’t. Why would I”? - Acceptance. The word means to welcome. Acceptance begins at a surface level, but goes much deeper. It’s one thing to accept each other without basis to gender, ethnicity, religion, etc. I contend for equality. It’s another to accept a person at a very individual level. We all have quirks. I like an orderly work space; I have friends who are more like Pig Pen. Some of your team want to sit in the same spot in a conference room, or online, often wear the same “uniform.” Others would prefer to sit on the floor or don’t mind getting caught with bed-head.
Deep acceptance, though, happens at the point of fear. We all have them. We fight insecurity, we fight fear of betrayal, we worry about our competence, we are concerned about being passed over.
Acceptance communicates to a person that they have nothing to prove to you, that they are not alone in having concerns, and that differences are not a threat. How you communicate acceptance is simple: you talk about yours (quirks, things you are processing) and you listen to theirs. Vulnerable is powerful. And if you feel hesitant right now, please pause: When a person reveals a vulnerability, but then shares what they are doing to overcome it, they are more respected than the imposter who promotes a false self. Besides, if I don’t know what you are working through, then you are just hiding. And hiding is the domain of distrust.
It might sound like this: “I’ve had fears that I can’t keep up with the pace of technology while leading everything else I do. I don’t want to be found incompetent. Have you ever felt that way? But I like my plan. I know my strengths, and I focus on those, while building a better team around me who can bring me up to speed. That way, I’m not losing time in research, but I am gaining in understanding. I know you can relate, but know that you have nothing to prove to me. We just keep growing.” - Advocacy. The word means to come alongside someone and help. Advocacy declares that “I am for you.” Advocacy is an impartation, what is mine is yours as responsibly as I can give it. If information is power, shared information is leverage. Advocacy promotes a person’s worth, belonging and competence. It sees and seeks the best for another, and communicates that a person can lean on you, that the two of you are in this together.
Simply, advocacy supplies what another is lacking, directly or by referral.
To improve a relationship quickly, just start meeting needs, and do it at your initiative (always with permission, but not waiting to be asked for help). To do so communicates that you are aware of need, and that you are generous toward their success.
When affirmation, acceptance and advocacy is in place, tension is a welcome pull rather than a workplace pall. Too often, we try to do right things outside of a right environment. Environment always comes first. Remember when I said that conflict resolution doesn’t work. It’s a statistical truth that emerges from marriage therapy. What did work in marriages? Unconditional acceptance. When partners knew the other was accepted, conflict worked itself out. It wasn’t a magic formula. It was a mutual foundation.
Test this out. Be intentional to do this with two people: one who is newer, so that you are laying foundation for the future; and one with whom you have had recent tension, so that you are repairing the foundation.
Let me know how it goes. By the way, the CIO Mastermind team can coach you in this if you need.
